Feeling like an imposter

According to google; Imposter syndrome is an internal experience of feeling like a fraud despite success and evidence of competence. Its the feeling of always thinking your not good enough to be on this podium, amongst this group of riders. The feeling like your are always trying to fit into a group but you don’t deserve to be there. Its something that I feel quite often and probably more now than ever. Is it pathetic to feel this way, sad even….. I am not entirely sure. I have worked hard to be here, paid my dews, ridden well and have some good results. However when I look back and think where did 18 yr old Abby think she would be at 30, was this it…. probably not.

Heading towards my 30th birthday definitely has me looking back and wondering where the hell time has gone, and what the hell have I been doing with it. It also has me appreciating where I started, and looking at how far I have come. However I still feel like I have long way to go before I am where I want to be. Writing it all done is definitely therapeutic and maybe that’s why I have chosen to write this blog for anyone who is interested in listening. It has also made me aware of how many times I want to use the word “definitely” and then having to find alternative options so its not 90% of this blog.

Is it a state of mind? A feeling? A better podium finish? A spot on the New Zealand Team? I don’t know. Or is it just a realization that maybe its not everyone’s destiny. Realizing that I can find happiness and fulfillment with horses in a different way than what I expected. What does that look like…. I am not sure but I am figuring it out.