What really happened at Pau
Pau 5* feels like a distance memory at this point and almost like a dream… or maybe a nightmare. Its a reminder of how every experience is just a fleeting moment in history…. one minute your in it and the next its gone.
We went to Pau with very little expectations, being mine and Daphnee’s first 5* and I didn’t want to put too much pressure on her. But also secretly was that just the excuse in case it went wrong.
Getting to Pau felt like the biggest struggle to start with. After having last minute travel plans changes thrown at us, my theory that I thrive under pressure was really put to the test. It was a seriously long trip down there and so many new learnings on the way. It was honestly terrifying at times, trying to act like the adult I am, problem solve on the move but really feeling like a child who wanted a parent to fix it all for me on the inside.
Daphnee travelled so well and that eased some of the stress from the journey to know she had arrived fit and ready to compete. The plan to get her in the right state of mind for dressage was all a big experience. My previous prep plans for these big events had not been successful so with the advice of some very experienced riders we were trying some new things. Riding her twice a day, staying away from over schooling her on the flat, galloping a few days before dressage. Luckily it was on a racecourse so they had a massive sand track that was perfect for pre-dressage zoomies. Lots more calmer and building it up leading into her test, short warm up with mostly just stretching stuff and deep breathes for me before we went in.
A PB by 6 points…. I am not sure I could have asked for more! The moment ran away with me and their were a few tears shed. I think it was all the repressed emotions spilling out. I was so proud of her and just so relieved that I produced a test that proved we are good enough to be here. Unfortunately now when I look back all I can see is the small mistakes and places I could have been better…. guess that’s just the perefctionist in me.
XC day is meant to be the fun day, at least that’s what I tell myself and everyone else when they ask how I am feeling. “I’m excited” is my usual response because I feel if I say it enough times surely that’s how I will start to feel. Really I feel sick, lots of dread, praying I don’t fuck up! I just try and go through the process as much as possible to make it seem more achievable. Don’t get me wrong I love watching the videos back of a good round and that feeling of crossing the finish line is like nothing else but it only lasts a few seconds. Then the worry sets in of how are her legs, watching how she recovers, looking for any swelling…. post XC/pre-trot up worry is like nothing else.
She was absolutely fantastic out there and just ate up that course. It wasn’t perfect for sure, that second to last water sent my heart into my month but the best part for me was how she never gave up, no matter the distance. Again it was such a good feeling to prove that I am good enough to be out there but that feeling of accomplishment never lasts… its something I chase… I crave. That feeling like maybe I’m not that imposter anymore. When you only have one horse competing at that top level, those feelings are fair and few between and sometimes the memory of that feeling doesn’t last between shows. That’s when the doubt, the post show depression sets in. They talk about those post performance blues and trust me its a real thing. Don’t even get me started on the off season, I definitely suffer from seasonal depression.
Post XC things were looking good, legs good, lungs good, body good, brain tired but nothing a good nights sleep wouldn’t fix. Oh how wrong was I. That horrible pit that formed in my stomach when she had swelling in her leg that next morning, how she got worse and worse as trot up approached. Pulling her from the final phases was the right call but it was one of the situations where that grey area between its a professional sport and Daphnee is my best friend starts to appear. How much do you push, how many treatments do you give her, how much differently can I trot her up to make her look sound just so I can showjump and complete my first 5*. She is an animal, with thoughts and feelings and at what point does it become wrong to keep pushing just for me, because I’m a athlete. It is something that I struggle with when I have such a strong love for my horses and really do consider them my best friends.
Having some r&r over winter was what the doctor ordered and she came back in the new year ready to go again which I feel so grateful for. She still has so much to prove and so much to give. I only hope I can do her talent justice with my riding. I have way more confidence in her ability than I do my own.
With another 5* on the horizon, I definitely have a more solid plan in place of what we need to do to get that performance. But will it work…. I don’t know… I hope so. I want it to be so, I trying to channeling my inner manifestation of the moment. We can do this… right?